The "Chronic"les of Jeff Weaver

Something My brother and I wrote.
From the mind of Jeff Weaver, warning, if you didn’t follow the Cards last season you probably wouldn’t understand this.

So, it was game five of the World Series I was in the clubhouse smoking with Ronnie, Ronnie always has the best weed. And like Soup catches us saying he’s gonna tell Tony and shit. I was like dude calm the fuck down, I need to settle my nerves before the game. Whenever I pitch sober I fuckin suck, I really do, so he was like “Ok I won’t tell if you guys accept the Jesus as your personal savior.” I was like fine dude whatever, just get the fuck outta her you’re ruining my high, shit.

Anyway so he leaves and Ronnie starts fucking up the rotation and passes it over to Molina then to Looper then to Izzy, anyway Izzy used to be a real tight ass until he got hurt, then he was like “fuck it,” now he’s real cool. Anyway by the time it got back to me it was all soggy and shit and I was like fuck man, and I had to roll up a new joint.

After a while I start to get real fuckin hungry so I was like, Ronnie where’s the fuckin crave case? He said something, but mostly just laughed. “Shit dude it was your turn to get the munchies. So, I pushed Looper over and got a bag of Doritos and starting eating them. Then Looper’s like “dude I farted on those” and everyone starts laughing real loud, even me, whoa man, wild.

So after we stop laughing Albert comes in and starts yelling at all of us and shit, I guess he heard us laughing,
“I was like dude calm the fuck down. We already had Soup in here banging his bible and shit, we don’t need any crap from you. Just because you won the MVP last year doesn’t mean anything, it just means you won the MVP last year.” Yeah, I’m like real smart. He said something in Spanish that I couldn’t understand and Ronnie started laughing again, Ronnie likes to laugh. He yelled something at Molina and he left.

Doesn’t Molina look like a Mexican gangster? I think so he always tries to look cool in the pictures he takes, but deep down I know he likes cats and shit.
Anyway, I threw the bag of Doritos at Albert and he starts to chase me around and shit, but whenever I smoke weed I develop like, superhuman speed, so he couldn’t catch me.

By the time I got back Dave Duncan was their saying shit like he’s going to put me in rehab if I don’t knock this off, man if he doesn’t chill the fuck out I’m gonna leave and go to team where they don’t care about smokin’ weed, like Seattle.

Preston used to smoke with us until he started to talk about problems all the time. He was saying shit like “back when he played in Colorado he was like the best or something, finally, we had to kick him out, too much drama.

Rolen starting smoking with us too, at first he was real secretive about it, sneaking in, hiding when Tony, Albert or one of the other coaches would come in, but lately he opened up to us. It was like a breakthrough or something, whoa, deep. Then Tony did catch him during the NL championship series and they got into a huge fight. Tony was like “I had higher expectations of you.” And he was like, “Shut up Tony everyone knows you like Albert more.” Tony just looked at him and mumbled something and Rolen started to cry. Weed makes him like, emotional or something.

Anyway, I can’t find my jersey and I have to get ready to pitch game five, if I’m late to the bull-pen; Dave Duncan gets a bug up his ass. So, I keep looking until I figure out Ronnie’s sitting on it, I guess that’s better that Looper sitting on it. I was like, “Dude, get the hell off my jersey,” he just sat there and laughed. Finally I was able to pry it loose and I ran to the bull-pen. If I pitch well enough I think we like win the World Series or something, whoa, deep.